Oh snap... I'm autistic
Late diagnosed Autism is life changing…
I never imagined that I would be autistic. But it was hard to ignore after my daughter being diagnosed. I was slowly piecing together traits that I had in childhood that are similar to my daughters. Naturally after her diagnosis I turned to the internet for resources and I was quickly overwhelmed and discouraged.
The first resource I went to that was recommended by her doctor was autism speaks. I clicked on a guide called the 100 day kit for young children. Reading this guide felt very depressing as if my child received a cancer diagnosis. I also joined a ton of autism mom groups on facebook but found that wasn’t the best resource for me.
Down the autism rabbit hole I went trying to find every resource I could use to help my child. In my research, I started to see content from autistic creators. In particular women and black women creators. It opened my eyes to a side of autism I’ve never heard of and it sounded and felt all too familiar. I always knew how autism outwardly presented ( obvious stims, meltdowns) but I never knew what it felt like. The experiences they described sounded very familiar to my own when I was a child up until adulthood.
I started to read/watching the following:
Books like: Hendrickx, S. Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Understanding Life Experiences from early childhood to old age. ;Devon Price Unmasking Autism
Instagram autism content creators: @autisticblackgirl, @autienelle
The DSM-5
In addition to taking the RADDS-R test on www.embraceautism.com where I had a score of falling in range with “likely autistic”. I met an Autie friend online where I discussed my suspicions of autism and she said : “ Well, you and I are pretty similar so…”LOL! I had all signs pointing to autism. However, I still grappled for days where I said “ I think I’m autistic!…wait that doesn’t apply to me, maybe I’m not…oh I’m def autistic…I don’t want to take up space, am I pretending to have autism?” The imposter syndrome is REAL! Most of my experiences in life pointed to autism. Miscommunications, difficulties in social situations, difficulties with relationships (friends, family, and dating),my intense focus on an interest I loved, sensory aversions to textures, foods, noise, difficulties with change with routine, executive dysfunction, shutdowns, meltdowns, struggles at every job I’ve ever had when it came to social relations and communication. It was like light bulb after light bulb turning on, I finally had answers to events that I ruminated on for months or even years.
I was at a crossroad where I thought: will I accept this new truth and self-diagnose? ( self-diagnosis is very common and accepted in the autism community because clinicians have difficulty diagnosing autism in women and BIPOC ; the accessibility to find someone to test you as an adult; the costs are very expensive) OR will I gather my resources and get a professional diagnosis. I was blessed and privileged to be able to spend money to receive a private autism assessment.
At that appointment, I went in with my binder of evidence ( which the evaluator chuckled and said my binder alone was enough for the diagnosis) and I heard the words that I knew in my heart to be true. I am autistic. I walked out of that appointment happy, validated, but scared of how I would be perceived. Overall the news was received well when I “came out” to friends and family. I feel lucky for being surrounded by supportive humans IRL and in social media.
I’m approaching my diagnosis day 1 year anniversary in two weeks. It’s been a transformative year and I cannot wait to see what else is in store.